Blonde "LOGIC"



Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is
farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic
it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.


She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She
pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and
screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by
saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Cartier.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs

Have heard better

LOL

Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her "What happened?"

She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"

"The son of a bitch called back."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'You've got mail.'"

Funny shit peeps

A blonde, brunette and a redhead compete in a breast-stroke swim across the English Channel. The brunette and redhead finish hours ahead of the blonde. When the blonde finally reaches shore, exhausted and gasping for breath, she says: "I think those other two cheated and used their arms!"

________________________________________________________________


A group of blondes walk into a bar. They tell the bartender to give everyone a round of drinks. They then lift their glasses, and in unison say "Here's to 51 days!" and then drink. They request another round, and again, they say, "Here's to 51 days!" before drinking. The bartender, confused by the toast, asks one of the blondes what the significance is. The blond replies "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle that said '2-4 years' on the side of the box, and we finished it in 51 days!"


___________________________________________________________________

The blonde went to the doctor and the doctor asked her how she got the hole in her left hand. She said I wanted to die so I was going to shoot myself. I put the gun up to my chest and thought "This isn't right...I would mess up my $3,000.00 boop job"....I then decided to stick the gun up my nose and thought "This won't work....it will mess up my $2,000.00 nose re-construction"...."so I put the gun to my right ear but I am afraid of noise so I put my left hand over my left ear"


___________________________________________________________________

Don't know how true this is but I trust the person who sent it....


>> >>VERY IMPORTANT WARNING
>> >>This is not a joke!
>> >>
>> >>Please Be Extremely Careful especially if using internet mail such as
>> >>Yahoo, Hotmail, AOL and so on. This information arrived this morning
>> >>direct from both Microsoft and Norton. Please send it to everybody you
>> >>know who has access to the Internet. You may receive an apparently
>> >>harmless email with a Power Point presentation "Life is beautiful."
>> >>If you receive it DO NOT OPEN THE FILE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, and
>> >>delete it immediately. If you open this file, a message will appear >on
>> > your
>> >>screen saying:
>> >>"It is too late now, your life is no longer beautiful."
>> >>Subsequently you will LOSE EVERYTHING IN YOUR PC and the person who
>> >>sent it to you will gain access to your name, e-mail and password.
>> >>This is a new virus which started to circulate on Saturday afternoon.
>> > AOL
>> >
>> >>has already confirmed the severity, and the antivirus software's are
>> > not
>> >>capable of destroying it.
>> >>The virus has been created by a hacker who calls himself "life owner."
>> >>PLEASE SEND A COPY OF THIS EMAIL TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS and ask them to
>> > PASS
>> >>IT
>> >>ON IMMEDIATELY.
>> >
>> >
>
****************************************************************************
> ********************
>> > The content of this email (and any attachment) is confidential. It may
>> > also be legally privileged or otherwise protected from disclosure.
>> >
>> > This email should not be used by anyone who is not an original intended
>> > recipient, nor may it be copied or disclosed to anyone who is not an
>> > original intended recipient. If you have received this email by mistake
>> > please notify us by emailing the sender, and then delete the email and
> any
>> > copies from your system.
>> >
>> > Liability cannot be accepted for statements made which are clearly the
>> > senders own and not made on behalf of Network Rail.
>> >

This is a hoax, although I'm sure it was passed onto you in good faith.

"Symantec Security Response encourages you to ignore any messages regarding this hoax. It is harmless and is intended only to cause unwarranted concern."

Life Is Beautiful Hoax

Yea, i got one of them once. Its just a way to get people that normally don't send on chain letters and stuff like that (like me cos i really can't be assed with them) to send them.

I love this thread - my gf is blonde.

1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

2. Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

4. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

6. Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: She wanted to figure out why the chicken was crossing it.

7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

8. What do you call a smart blonde?
A: Extinct.

9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around
too much.

12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
A: An IN-body experience!

15. Q: What do blondes think about politics?
A: Nothing! Blondes can't think, remember?

16. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

17. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

18. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

19. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

20. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

21. Q: Why didn't the blonde like the new computer?
A: She couldn't get the TV turner to turn the computer on channel 9.

22. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

23. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

24. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

25. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
little packages.

26. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

27. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A1: They can't find the zipper.
A2: They cant find the pull tab.

28. Q: What do you call a blonde with a positive IQ?
A: A brunette that dyed their hair.

I'm am sooo glad I've just returned 2 ma natural brunette-state! phew

I Like Blondes, they're sooo undemanding

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.


Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.


The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.


A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.


She steps out of the car and asks the man what is wrong.


"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."


The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.


She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.


The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.


Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,

turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.


The man is astonished.


He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"


The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.


It says..












(Are you ready for this?)





















(Are you sure?)























(This is bad!)




















(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)




















(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)




















(You can still delete it)


























(You know you're gonna be sorry)

























(Last chance)



























(OK, here it is)





















It says,





















"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

The phone call...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?"

And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was.
It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

BLONDE JOKES [FONT=Arial][SIZE=14][COLOR=blue]HEARTBEATS

Hey Folks/

Whats with all the dumb blonde Jokes! Come on Guys, get a life!

Blonde women are beautiful and you can meet some of them on my website at

//heartbeatsaroundtheworld.mylovewebsite.com

Gary!

A man wants to get across a canal but cannot see any bridges. He does see a blonde walking down a path on the opposite bank and calls out..

"How do I get to the other side of the canal?"

The blonde looks at him blankly and calls back. "You're already on the other side of the canal!"

Q: When driving why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"

A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Blonde's Year in Review:
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.


February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to printlabels....."duh"....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!


March - Got excited....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"


April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!


May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!


June - Tried to go water skiing....couldn't find a lake with a slope.


July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.


September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???


October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.


November - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!


December - - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!


What a year!!

One winter morning a couple were listening to the radio over breakfast.

They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to10 inches of snow today You must park your car on the even- numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power goes off. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

OkayOkay, This ones a lil Bit Stupid.
I can't be bothered to check outt if it's already been posted, Mkay.

The blonde said to the brunette, "What's the time?"
And the Brunette said, "5 o'clock."
The blone frowned and got frustrated.
"What's wrong?" The Brunette asked.
The Blonde replied, "I just don't get it. Every time I ask what time it is, I always get a different answer, Ah!"


I know...

I wonder how long this thread would last if I changed the word 'blonde' in every post to words like 'black person' or 'Jew'... ?

I'm Blonde...what's your excuse?

Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

car dealer for blondes

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

*******************************************************************
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Rules of Chocolate




* If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
* Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
* The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

* Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
* A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
* If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
* If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract eachother?
* Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

*Other peoples chocolate contains no calories...it's safe to eat theirs.

i like that one

This is not good I've just ordered chocolate covered irish coffee beans. *insert Homer drooling here*


I like the way you think ICE.

The first rule of Chocolate should be to only buy Fair Trade chocolate, because you can almost guarantee that otherwise at least some of the chocolate you eat used slave labour, including child slave labour, in West Africa - over half the world's cocoa comes for the Ivory coast, where 15,000 children are thought to be in slave labour.

Stop Chocolate Slavery

Great I feel guilty everytime I eat chocolate as it is...and you go and lay that on me as well

I can see the reasons behind buying fair trade chocolate, but have you tried it. i have on several occasions and it aint as nice as the "real" stuff.

Yes, I have tried it. I don't buy chocolate that often, but Green & Black's fair trade is a particular favourite. You may want to try Divine, which is also fair trade and comes in dark, milk and white chocolates.

Still, it might lead to an interesting defence of child slavery on an industrial scale, though: chocolate not produced from cocoa grown by slave labour 'tastes funny'

Sod that...............Cadbury's every time............................your like that little voice of conscience that is so smug and full of self pissing importance. I'm gonna put my leather trousers on while i'm eating it aswell

leather trousers i did not know you was like that

yep.............real chocolate and real leather, and while i'm eating my chocolate in leather trousers, I push my youngest up the flue to sweep the chimney