A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
The bank manager looks back at her and says....
"It's a knicknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are.....)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Full Version: jokes and humour
I think the manager was more more likely to tell the frog to "Hop it".
Gd one Ice maiden. That got me laughing. 
I giggled then copied pasted and mailed it to a few friends 
A Horse goes into a Bar. The Barman says "Why the long Face?" 
WHY 
Oh Dear!
Because he couldn't tell the difference between a Horse with a long Face and one of his regular Customers Master-X
Because he couldn't tell the difference between a Horse with a long Face and one of his regular Customers Master-X
nice got me laughin!
desperate to have something to cheer me up 
how does santa like his pizzas?
deep pan crisp and even
deep pan crisp and even
What's the difference between snow men and snow women???
SNOW BALLS!!!
SNOW BALLS!!!
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
A few years ago, a young priest went to work in an Abby and his first job was to copy the ancient scriptures of the Bible by hand. One day he noticed a problem. All the priests, who were doing the same thing, were making copies from other copies and he went to the head Abbot and told him about it.
" Father..." The young priest explained, "If there was just one mistake made then it's been repeated over and over again!"
The head Abbot thanked the priest for noticing the problem and disappeared. Hours later, when no one had seen him all day, the worried priest went searching and finally found him sobbing over the original text, which had been locked away in the Monasteries safe for centuries.
" We forgot the "R"!" He kept saying, over and over.
The young priest was somewhat taken aback at his distress and said;
"Father, what's wrong?"
Tearfully, the old Abbot looked up and said;
" The word was celebrate!" not celibate!!!!!!!!!
" Father..." The young priest explained, "If there was just one mistake made then it's been repeated over and over again!"
The head Abbot thanked the priest for noticing the problem and disappeared. Hours later, when no one had seen him all day, the worried priest went searching and finally found him sobbing over the original text, which had been locked away in the Monasteries safe for centuries.
" We forgot the "R"!" He kept saying, over and over.
The young priest was somewhat taken aback at his distress and said;
"Father, what's wrong?"
Tearfully, the old Abbot looked up and said;
" The word was celebrate!" not celibate!!!!!!!!!
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. 'This is marvelous,' said the journalist. 'What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?'
The Kuwaiti women replied, 'Land mines.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. 'This is marvelous,' said the journalist. 'What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?'
The Kuwaiti women replied, 'Land mines.
JOKE FOR U [FONT=Arial][SIZE=14][COLOR=purple]HEARTBEATS
This bloke thinking he was always unlucky, was having a stroll out one day in the local park, just thinking about his life and suddenly he kicked a bottle and a genie popped out said you can have 3 wishes.
Well the first wish was to have a lot of money, so the genie granted it and asked him to go and look on the atm machine at his bank account, he was amazed to see he had endless flows of millions of pounds.
The next wish was to have a nice car and a large mansion with swimming pool, terrace, gym etc.. so the genie granted this request and handed him the keys to his new mansion and even provided him with a limo to take him there, and he could not believe his eyes!
He now has one more wish left, and he was having a bit of a problem as he now has a large house, nice car, massive bank account, so having thought about this, he decided that he has not had much luck with women, so he asked to be in woman's fanny.
The genie granted that request and turned him into a tampax!
http://heartbeatsaroundtheworld.mylovewebsite.com
Gary!
This bloke thinking he was always unlucky, was having a stroll out one day in the local park, just thinking about his life and suddenly he kicked a bottle and a genie popped out said you can have 3 wishes.
Well the first wish was to have a lot of money, so the genie granted it and asked him to go and look on the atm machine at his bank account, he was amazed to see he had endless flows of millions of pounds.
The next wish was to have a nice car and a large mansion with swimming pool, terrace, gym etc.. so the genie granted this request and handed him the keys to his new mansion and even provided him with a limo to take him there, and he could not believe his eyes!
He now has one more wish left, and he was having a bit of a problem as he now has a large house, nice car, massive bank account, so having thought about this, he decided that he has not had much luck with women, so he asked to be in woman's fanny.
The genie granted that request and turned him into a tampax!
http://heartbeatsaroundtheworld.mylovewebsite.com
Gary!
Telepathic Watch.....
A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and cant help but ask, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Whats it telling you now?"
"Well, it says youre not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Q: What's the average time after penetration that it takes a woman to reach orgasm?
A: Who cares?
A: Who cares?
| QUOTE (zoroaster @ Jan 6 2006, 08:15 PM) |
| Q: What's the average time after penetration that it takes a woman to reach orgasm? A: Who cares? |
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.
A. It doesn't need cleaning.
| QUOTE (easylife @ Jan 22 2006, 12:48 AM) |
| Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve? A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam |
*Ha ha ha*
Adam: "God I'm bored, can't you create me a Companion?"
God: "Yes, I can create you a Charming, Intelligent and Loving Companion alert to your every Need and Desire, but it'll cost you an Arm and a Leg"
Adam: "What could I get for a Rib?"
Revenge Is Sweet
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
You've been programming too long when
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
Nike have developed a new trainer for lesbians called Nikes for dykes
they come with an extra long tongue, and you can get them off with one finger
they come with an extra long tongue, and you can get them off with one finger
A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and cant help but ask, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Whats it telling you now?"
"Well, it says youre not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast
The woman notices this and cant help but ask, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Whats it telling you now?"
"Well, it says youre not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast
all you have 2 do is post your jokes and say if you think its good or not
thanx
happy posting
thanx
happy posting
E-Mail time...I have no idea if these are true or not.
Airline cabin announcements
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the g ate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the interc om and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
Airline cabin announcements
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the g ate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the interc om and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
10 Reasons Not To Jog
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
New Women's Study
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..
10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..
10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
A goat goes into the jobcentre and asks in perfect english for some work. The amazed clerk has a look through his files and says he could try the circus.
"The circus?" says the goat "What would the circus want with a bricklayer?"
"The circus?" says the goat "What would the circus want with a bricklayer?"
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,"how long before I can get a haircut"?,the barber looked around the shop full of customers and said "about two hours"the guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,"how long before I can get a haircut"?,the reply "about three hours",the guy left.
A week later the same guy asked the same question,the reply "about an hour and half" the guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said "Hey Bill,do me a favour,follow that guy and see where he goes,he keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut but he never returns".
A short time later,Bill returns laughing hysterically,the barber asks,"So where does he go when he leaves"? Bill looks up tears in his eyes and said "Your house"
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,"how long before I can get a haircut"?,the reply "about three hours",the guy left.
A week later the same guy asked the same question,the reply "about an hour and half" the guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said "Hey Bill,do me a favour,follow that guy and see where he goes,he keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut but he never returns".
A short time later,Bill returns laughing hysterically,the barber asks,"So where does he go when he leaves"? Bill looks up tears in his eyes and said "Your house"
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring
at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so
familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and
stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over
a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus
accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints
slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him
for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of
amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on
disability benefit.
**********************
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just
got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for
his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big
black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long
but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies
on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".
The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"
**************************
A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The
teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't
you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Liverpool
fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of
it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why,
pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?"
"Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm
a Man Utd fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed
tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have
to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a
prostitute and your Dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
****************************************
at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so
familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and
stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over
a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus
accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints
slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him
for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of
amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on
disability benefit.
**********************
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just
got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for
his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big
black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long
but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies
on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".
The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"
**************************
A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The
teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't
you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Liverpool
fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of
it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why,
pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?"
"Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm
a Man Utd fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed
tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have
to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a
prostitute and your Dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
****************************************
lmfao luv it wicked!
I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be
more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner
that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally
bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his
house. I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and
decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a
drink.
So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down to the
Queen's Head Tavern with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer.
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"
But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.
So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face against
the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go
to The Queen's Head Tavern and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
Wait for it folks, it's worth it.......
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***ng shoes on."
more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner
that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally
bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his
house. I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and
decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a
drink.
So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down to the
Queen's Head Tavern with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer.
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"
But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.
So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face against
the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go
to The Queen's Head Tavern and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
Wait for it folks, it's worth it.......
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***ng shoes on."
gd 1 but ive heard it b4 
Well don't read it again then ya daft bat .........not everyone has heard it 
.........not everyone has heard it
Tony Blair went jogging whenever he went to Chequers.
Every Day he would jog past a tart standing on the same corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow "Fifty pounds!" she would shout from the kerb No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.
This ritual between them became a daily occurrence.
He would run by and she would yell, "Fifty pounds!"
He would yell back, "Fiver!"
One day Cherie decided that she wanted to jog with him.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Tony realized that she would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he had really been doing on all his past outings.
He knew he would best be ready with a damn good explanation for the,"missus".
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
Tony became more apprehensive than normal. Sure enough there was the tart.
Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pairjog past. Then from the pavement the tart yelled:
"See what you get for a fiver!"
Every Day he would jog past a tart standing on the same corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow "Fifty pounds!" she would shout from the kerb No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.
This ritual between them became a daily occurrence.
He would run by and she would yell, "Fifty pounds!"
He would yell back, "Fiver!"
One day Cherie decided that she wanted to jog with him.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Tony realized that she would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he had really been doing on all his past outings.
He knew he would best be ready with a damn good explanation for the,"missus".
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
Tony became more apprehensive than normal. Sure enough there was the tart.
Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pairjog past. Then from the pavement the tart yelled:
"See what you get for a fiver!"
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's
office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You
have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I
do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a
head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno
peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it
off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is
for."
office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You
have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I
do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a
head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno
peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it
off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is
for."
omg
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally
steps on one.
Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for
stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and
along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is
another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same
admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she
steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
t. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?"
>
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally
steps on one.
Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for
stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and
along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is
another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same
admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she
steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
t. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?"
>
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
haha pmsl lol
| QUOTE (I am the devil @ Mar 26 2006, 07:20 AM) |
| A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for." |
NOW THAT'S FUNNY
Finally something hilarious to reply to, have a good one, Lmbo!!
| QUOTE |
| NOW THAT'S FUNNY Finally something hilarious to reply to, have a good one, Lmbo!! |
Glad you like it
More jokes anybody??????
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.
So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.
So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!
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