The latest instalment of Dr Who will feature the diminutive Kylie Minogue... past star of Snow White and the Seven Perverts (kylie played one of the dwarfs).

Picture the scene; the Doctor and his three trusted assistants – Martha Jones, Donna Noble (Catherine Tate) and Gladys Allback (played by the dwarf Kylie) – are running from the dreaded Daleks.

“This way,” the Doctor shouted at his companions. He then runs into a deserted building, followed by Martha Jones, Donna Noble and Gladys Allback.
They run up some stairs, always looking behind them... terror written on their faces. They enter a deserted warehouse... completely empty... just the feel of death around them.
From the left of the abandoned warehouse merges their mortal enemy; a Dalek glides towards them, slowly, but menacingly.
Suddenly the four heroes stop and freeze in their tracks upon seeing their tormentor.
“What are we going to do now!?” yelled a panicky Donna.
Glancing upon a door on their right Martha shouted, “Over there Doctor... quick.”
They all followed Martha to what they hoped was the relative safety of a shelter; or at least away from the menacing and evil Dalek.

Suddenly somebody shouts, “CUT!”

“Phewwww” grasps Freema Agyeman... “That was exhausting.”
The other two stopped and said in unison, “Yeah, but it was fun,” and then all laugh together.
“I haven’t,” said the smiling Kylie, “done any acting for awhile... but it is nice to get back into the swing of things.”
The Doctor looks at them in disbelieve, “What the hell are you playing at?”
They look at him confused.
“Sorry,” says Catherine, “I thought the director shouted ‘Cut’?
“Yeah, he did,” Martha replied puzzled.
The Doctor also looked puzzled, but at his three companions... “’Cut’? What are you on about? Christ, we are being chased by Daleks...” the Doctor glances at his still nemesis, “for the love of Mary... run. Don’t stop, run.”
The Doctor starts to move but his companions just stand there confused/ dumbstruck.
“Is this an in-joke?” replies the puzzled Kylie, not sure really what to say.
“If it is,” responds Martha, “then it is new one to me.”
The Doctor now really concerned.
“What the hell... look,” pointing to the Dalek, “they are after us.” He again attempts to flee from the immobile Dalek, but the others just look on concerned, puzzled... confused.
“What is it David? “Said the worried, Freema.
Now really panicking, fear on his face, “Over there,” again point to the stationary Dalek, “it’ll kill us if we don’t move,” he then tries to usher the others out of harm’s way, but they stay their ground.
“Are you on drugs or what David?” says Kylie, looking at him concerned.
The Doctor looks at Kylie confused and puzzled, “’David!’ Who is David?”
“You are... David Tenant... actor... star of this show.” Says Freema exasperated, thinking that this is some sort of joke.
“No, I am the Doctor... are you all mad?”
“This is acting... don’t you know who I am David? Says the now worried Freema.
“Of course I know who you are.... what! Do you think I am stupid or what? You are Martha Jones.”
“No... well, yes... but that is my acting name... My name is Freema Agyeman, “she says confused.
“WHAT!? Don’t be stupid... you are Martha Jones.” He repeats.
Suddenly realisation comes to him. “Oh, my God! You’ve been assimilated.” He looks at them in a different light, not sure what to do, what to say.
“You dickhead... ‘assimilated’? What!” Catherine says, now starting to get pissed off. “What... you been on the Highland haggis again?”
Suddenly the Doctor gets a thought and starts undoing his trousers.
The girls look on horrified.
“What are you doing?” Says the horrified and puzzled Freema.
“My sonic screw driver will unlock your brain.”
They all glance down at his exposed privates.
Seeing them glancing down he also looks down and notices he is clutching his old boy as if he is going to strangle it.
“Oh, darn it,” the doctor says confused... “I thought it was my sonic screw driver.”
“That is what he said to me when I first auditioned... ‘come and look at my sonic screw driver,” he said, I did, now I’ve got a bun in the oven.” Said the peeved Freema.
The others nervously laugh, not knowing really what to say, or how to respond.
The doctor pulls his trousers up and then fishes in his pocket, eventually pulling out the actual sonic screw driver he should have got in the first place. He then points it at the girls in the belief it will unhook their minds.
“What are you doing?” said the disbelieving Catherine.
“I am going to turn your minds back into substance, rather than the jelly it is now,” said the concentrating doctor, as he intensively points his sonic screw driver at the girls.
Now starting to get really pissed off Catherine rolls her eyes and says, “Am I bovvered!?” To add humour to this absurd situation.
The others nervously laugh at Catherine’s immortal catchphrase.
Stunned by their nonplus attitudes concern deepens on his already horror-struck face.
“Am I bovvered, I am bloody bovvered!?” he mimics. You lot don’t get it... you’ve been taken over... your minds are not your own.”
The girls giggle like a gaggle of geese.
“Liven up David,” said Kylie, trying to take away the air of fear that has suddenly taken hold of all of them, “You can over do this acting thing. I know you are committed... but for FS... the director has shouted ‘cut’ and that should mean break time. Not over acting.”
“You don’t get it... do you?” The Doctor repeats again, as if they had already lost their minds to a higher force. “Your minds have been taken over... you are no longer the people you once were... you are zombies.”
“That’s it,” said the distraught Kylie. “I am going.”
Suddenly the doctor slaps her around the face so hard he momentarily stuns her before she falls to the ground...
“WTF have you done, you twat?” Said Martha. “Are you out off your mind?”
“It is for her own good.” Replies the Doctor.
Before she could respond the Doctor hits Martha around the face as well, knocking her to the ground. He then turns to Catherine, who, looking on spellbound, is then slapped hard around the face herself. However, and quickly gaining composure, she retaliates by smacking the doctor in the mouth. Sending him to the ground.
Blood trickles down the corner of his mouth.

Suddenly a distance voice shouts “YOU LOT STOP MUCKING ABOUT, BREAK TIME IS OVER... ACTION.”

The Dalek starts moving towards them screaming “EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!” while the bewildered four look at each other, not knowing what to do, how to respond, or even what to say.
The doctor thinks the slaps had brought them to their senses and gets up. The others follow suit. Puzzled, they play the game... but with confusion in their eyes.

To be continued.......................

Junius

I'm going to watch tonights episode...Pompeii? what a pleasant place to be on the last days of the place.

Are we talking Up Pompeii with Frankie Howerd? Or the more advanced Time Travelling Time lord with his trusted old Police box and his companion "Am I bovvered?"

How many times has he been to Pompeii?

Who? Frank Howerd or Dr Who?

the doctor,

At least twice